This is something I wrote in my journal last night.
11 January 2011
I come from a strong Christian heritage. My Asian family is unusual in that, on Mummy’s side, I am almost a fifth-generation Christian. What’s more, I come from a long line of strong Christian women.
And now, I am growing up in a Christian environment. (Ironic because I live in communist China.) My social life is divided almost exclusively between SCS and SOAR. I guess that’s why it’s so easy for me to get swept along in the “Christian-ness” of things.
I was most alive for him in the summer during CTY. For sure, it was hard to feel so isolated in my faith. It felt like I knew this awesomepossum guy whom I wanted to talk about but no one else really liked or wanted to talk about. But at the same time, there’s something amazing about waking up each day and thinking, “This is who I am. This is who I choose to believe in.” Just being able to make the conscious decision to speak up when the time came, to explain why I believed what I believed, to see why people needed God. My quiet times during CTY were short, but they were consistent and amazing. I could see God taking care of me in the smallest ways.
So here I am bobbing in a sea of Christian society. I don’t dislike the life I live. I certainly do not dislike the people. It’s just that sometimes it becomes less of what I choose to believe rather than getting swept along with everyone and what people expect of me.
I have hang-ups about what seems to be the “right” (or expected) Christian way to live. When did people’s expectations of my lifestyle become law? I know at the bottom of my heart that Jesus is the saviour and Lord and God is real and the Bible is infallible.
So there. God is real, Christ is the risen Saviour, the Holy Spirit lives in me, and the Bible is infallible. I choose to believe. That is all that matters. Father, help me with the rest.
Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.
2 Timothy 1:12b
Some of these songs were not necessarily released in 2010, but I found them this year and thought they were really good. In no particular order…
Signal Fire by Snow Patrol
Snow Patrol gets a lot of flak for being copycats/unoriginal/boring, but I think they’ve got some pretty good material. They’re really not afraid to play on your heartstrings. That said, they did sell out a little after their success on Final Straw’s hit single Run. Their older albums (Songs for Polarbears, When It’s All Over We Still Have to Clear Up) have some really interesting material. Notables would be An Olive Grove Facing the Sea and Starfighter Pilot. This song, Signal Fire, was released on the soundtrack of Spiderman 3. Classic post-Final Straw Snow Patrol.
Daddy’s Gone by Glasvegas
Glasvegas received heaps and heaps of praise when they first emerged one or two years ago. They’re not as perfect as everyone says they are, but Glasvegas is probably my favourite band right now. In a world populated with electro-pop (Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber…), Glasvegas stands out like a beacon of hope in the music world. It’s great to hear good songs about anything other than love. This song, Daddy’s Gone, is about absent fathers. Some other great songs by them are Flowers & Football Tops and Geraldine.
Who Are We Fooling? by Brooke Fraser & Aqualung
Most breakup songs seem to flow along the lines of “We had a good thing going but you’re sleeping with her/the emotions are gone. I’m sorry to hurt you but I must do what is best for me…” You know how it goes. That’s why this song, off Brooke Fraser’s new album Flags, really stands out. It’s a couple singing about how they made the commitment to each other when they were young and how, while they are not perfect, they will stand by each other till the end. The chorus pretty much sums it all up: “For better or worse but what else can we do? / For better or worse I am tethered to you / If it’s not either of us then tell me who are we fooling?” Go buy this song.
Christ is Risen by Matt Maher
The first verse “Let no one caught in sin remain inside the lie of inward shame / We fix our eyes upon the cross and run to him who showed great love” pretty much sums up my life. This is my favourite song off Matt Maher’s latest album Alive Again. I love the way it calls the church to “stand in the light,” reminding us that “our God is not dead, he’s alive!” We need a rousing worship song once in a while to remind ourselves that we serve a living God, not a dead one. So what are we waiting for? It’s time to bring God’s light and life into the world.
Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon
While I think Kings of Leon really have something good going, I won’t consider myself a fan mostly because their music doesn’t really speak to me. I became a big fan of this song because one of my favourite comedians Michael McIntyre once joked about it. The song was played when he came on stage and he said something along the lines of, “Did you like the song? Kings of Leon. Good isn’t it? But the lyrics are weird. ‘Your sex is in fire’? What is in the inspiration for this lyric? … ‘Emergency Services, state the nature of your emergency.’ ‘Ohhh, my sex is on fire.’” It’s funnier when you watch it, but the memory makes me giggle every time I listen to this song. I also really like the energy the band and singer pumps into this song. It’s a good running song.
Electric Feel by MGMT
I first heard this song at our last dance at my summer camp, so there are a lot of affectionate memories attached to this track. MGMT might be riding on the popularity of electronic music, but they’re definitely more original than a lot of electronic music-related genres out there. I love their strong Europop influences as well as their vocals on this song. Their album Oracular Spectacular contains a lot of other good songs as well.
A Sort of Homecoming by U2
Another good running song. It’s by U2. ‘Nuff said.
Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears
Oh yes. Story of my life.
Christmas Lights by Coldplay
I’m a huge, huge, huge Coldplay fan, but I wasn’t a big fan of Viva la Vida. It was a good, inspiring, rousing song; but I felt it lacked the sensitivity and emotion of past albums (especially A Rush of Blood to the Head and Parachutes). I love Christmas Lights not just because it’s a Coldplay song, but because it’s a brief visit to the sentiments in their past albums. It’s not their best song, I will admit, but like lead singer Chris Martin admitted, “It’s not our worst song.”
Blue Skies by Noah and the Whale
The most optimistic song title to one of the saddest songs out there. I wasn’t a big fan of Noah and the Whale’s debutPeaceful, the World Lays Me Down because I felt like they were a bit emotionally trite. However, The First Days of Spring (where Blue Skies is from) really delves deep into heartbreak, loss, and hope.
Noah and the Whale, one of my favourite bands, released this flash player on their website a few days ago. I think this song is going to be on their new album. So a couple of instructions:
- Click on the green triangle on the tape and listen to this song!
- Go to their website (www.noahandthewhale.com) and see the whole flash player. Very cool.
- Download this song. (The little eject symbol on the tape.)
- After that, go listen to Coldplay’s new Christmas single.
- Go buy Coldplay’s new Christmas single.
So if you know, you’ll know that I periodically struggle with doubts. They usually last about a week or two, then they go. This round was pretty bad and has been around since a week after the retreat. It wasn’t that I stopped believing that God existed. It was more of like, “I don’t think I care anymore that he exists. He can exist, but it doesn’t really have anything to do with my existence. I mean, Jesus came and died for my sins; but the whole basic premise of him being born of a virgin is kind of weird. Do I want to put my faith in a religion that is so… bizarre?” I was seriously contemplating dropping out of leadership and other stuff, but it also made me feel horrible because I’m so active at SOAR and stuff…
But God is kind of sneaky.
I won’t go into too much detail, but the main thing happened about half an hour ago. Jae Hyun and I got chatting on MSN about something different when the conversation took a serious turn. She told me about some of the stuff she’d been going through – also about doubts and denials and frustrations. I confessed I’d been feeling the same way, and she was like, “Other people feel the same way? I thought it was only me.” I said, “No, it’s not just you. I go through this all the time.”
To be honest, I can’t really remember what I said; but talking to her was kind of like talking to myself. Just reminding myself of the stuff God had done for me – pulling me out of the most horrible situations, guiding me, wanting only the best for me, reprimanding me (in a good way), etc… Something in me said, “Hey, even if science can prove that God doesn’t exist or some archaeologist finds the body of Jesus, does it really matter? HE DID THIS FOR YOU. You stupid girl.”
God definitely orchestrated that conversation between Jae Hyun and me. We both were laughing at the end of it. 
I’m not saying that all my doubts/whatever/blahhhs have gone away. But it’s a start. And as someone once said to me, “Plod along with God.”
So Kingdom Come 2 is over.
I did worship with Kenny (who is an amazing worship leader, if you guys haven’t noticed), Patrick (who is a great drummer, if you guys haven’t noticed), Suze (who is a great singer, if you guys haven’t noticed), Christie (my sister! – who is a great pianist, if you guys haven’t noticed), and Itamar (who is a great bassist, if you guys haven’t noticed). Despite having never actually played together, it was good. God was great and, most importantly, GOD WAS THERE.
And yet I didn’t have that great of a time.
Why should I have had a great time? I was so worn out from waking up at 6.45 to take the SAT. I have this tight knot in my shoulder because of this stiff neck that won’t go away. My lower back and heels started hurting halfway through the night. My guitar went out of tune. The guitar’s pick-up started popping and making weird noises. I wasn’t very familiar with three or four of the songs. My last guitar pick broke in the middle of Hosanna (which is a pretty intense song to play) and I had to use my fingernails (WHICH HURTS).
So yes. In some respects, I had a terrible time.
But ranting is not the point of this post.
The point is… I learned that I am such a closeted Type-A freak. (Funny, because my SAT essay today had something to do with this.) I learned that I’ve fallen into the trap about caring too much about what people think, that everything needs to sound good in order to be awesome. (Maybe I’ve been watching too many videos of Coldplay/Oasis/Snow Patrol live performances. They’re pretty awesome. Especially Coldplay. Omg.) My pride made me forget that God is the focus of worship, not us the worship team or us the congregation. We are unworthy to even come into the presence of God, and yet through the grace and blood of Jesus Christ we can come.
So yeah. That’s what I learned from Kingdom Come 2.
But, all in all, Kingdom Come 2 was great. 
God is going to move mountains because of our prayers. Continue to pray for the souls of this city and of this world!
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit’s fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil.
1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 22
I HAVE A PRAISE I HAVE A PRAISE I HAVE A PRAISE. HAHAHAHA.
I don’t think I’ve told anyone this, but when I was in Singapore I did a writing-test with Singapore Press Holdings, Singapore’s largest (and only, I think) newspaper distributor. If I passed the writing-test, I would become eligible for an interview and a possible two-month internship with them.
But yeah.
I PASSED THE TEST. HAHAHAHA. YAY.
God’s timing is funny because I was just feeling down about by abysmal GPA (and I’m not just being Asian about this) and college applications and my life and stuff like that. So it was nice when my mother told me. Ego boost. Hahahahaha.
I might go for the interview during Chinese New Year (if we go back to Singapore for the holiday), but yeah. Just wanted to share it. Because I am happy. Heehee.
The one question I’ve been getting a lot these past couple of weeks is, “So how was your summer?” I keep telling people, “It was a lot,” but I never have the chance to elaborate. So here it is – my elaboration.
For those of you who don’t know, I attended the Civic Leadership Institute (CLI) which was jointly organised by Johns Hopkins University Center for Talented Youth (CTY) and Northwestern University Civic Education Project (CEP). I spent three weeks in Berkeley learning about everything from urban poverty to power/privilege to street art to what marijuana smells like to the Cupid Shuffle (but more on the latter later…).
It was an interesting perspective on the United States… For me, at least. I think my view before had been that, yes America was rich and cool and superpower but with some flaws. Most of my American friends were Republican Midwesterners who only seemed to speak good things about their homeland. Going to San Francisco/Berkeley kind of turned my perspective around. And I realise that the new perspective I have may be representative of mostly the Bay Area, but it’s still… Anyway. For simplicity’s sake, just accept it and let me go on.
There were a lot of “interesting” characters on the street. I’m not talking about the punks with the AWESOME combat boots or the hipsters or the gay couples. I’m talking about the homeless middle-aged man from Jersey Shore who has scars on his wrist. I’m talking about the young woman with no legs who is sitting on her wheelchair smoking a cigarette with a cardboard sign around her lap that says, “PREGNANT AND HUNGRY.” I’m talking about the woman crossing the street and shouting at unseen people. She has a fanny pack of unopened orange pill bottles. I’m talking about the people in the Mission (not the fancy hipster part which the guidebooks tell you to visit) who stare at us suspiciously as we walk past. I’m talking about the homeless black man who shouted at my friend Max and me, “Who do you think you are? Get some mothereffing manners. You think you are better than me. We are all equal, equal but separate. You mothereffing effers.”
So yeah. It was… a lot. I felt, well, helpless (for want of a stronger word). We went into a lot of lower-income neighbourhoods like the Mission and the Tenderloin where you could feel the hostility and tension strongly in the air. A lot of times I would feel myself screaming in my head things like, “God, why can’t you DO something?”, “God, these people NEED you,” “God, I don’t know what to do.”
I don’t know what the other people on the program thought, but I found it hard to share the “religious” aspect of the response to what I saw around us. Plus I was missing my parents. And my friends. (Yeah. You guys. I missed you guys. Yes, I love you guys. Don’t look so surprised.) And SOAR 24/7. And good Asian food. (One universal truth: Chow mein is Satan’s abhorrent parody of 炒面 chao mian.)
My class had a field experience with Equality California (EQCA), an organisation that advocates LGBT rights. That day we were supposed to recruit volunteers for a big push on gay marriage. I got really ticked off that they naturally assumed all of us were liberals and didn’t give us the choice of opting out of that field experience. I thought I was going to get into trouble for opting out. (I think that comes from an Asian behavioural conditioning thing, where you always obey authority with no questions asked.) I told my instructor my beliefs on gay rights*, and she said I could sit out and “observe”.
Proposition 8 (basically, it banned gay marriage in California a few months after it was legalised) was overturned while I was at Berkeley. There was much rejoicing in the camp.
But the whole experience didn’t suck, though. I loved doing yard work for a transitional home for homeless families, playing with the awesomepossum kids at the Tenderloin Boys & Girls Club, attending a rally against the Arizona immigration law… I loved Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley, and Haight Ashbury, the Mission, and City Hall in San Francisco. The camp organised dances for us and I learned how to do three new line dances. Hahahahahaha. Stuff like that that helped make all the other crazy stuff worth the experience.
So yeah. God is good and he helped me survive those three weeks. I saw a lot, felt a lot, thought a lot, ate a lot (OMGFROZENYOGURTISLOVE and avocados and the best cream cheese is to be found at the House of Bagels in San Francisco), danced a lot (listen to Electric Feel by MGMT)…
Sorry if this email is a little jumbled and weird and incoherent. I’m kind of sleepy, but I wanted to put this up ASAP so I can tell people to read it when they ask about my summer. Hahaha.
Anyway. I love you guys. Thanks for reading . <3
(There’ll probably a part two to this post. Will write it when I’m feeling slightly more awake.)
* In brief, I believe that gays should not be beaten up because of their sexual orientation. However, I do not support their right to marry and adopt.
There are two things I’ve learned these past two months, with most of my best friends away from me.
One is that you actually feel their pain more when you’re apart, because you can’t be there with them to go through all that crap.
Secondly, you learn what it truly means to give someone over to God.
Two things concerning photography that really annoy me.
1. People who post their entire day’s photos on Facebook (or wherever), including the really bad ones (i.e., the ones of people with their eyes half-closed because they’re blinking, the ones where people just don’t look good, the ones that are out of focus and badly composed… You know what I’m taking about).
2. People who borrow my DSLR without realising that it’s on manual focus and taking reams and reams of out-of-focus, badly composed shots, thinking that just because it’s a DSLR it’ll magically allow them to take beautiful photos. After ten minutes with it, they hand it back to me, declare, “It’s broken”, and leave me to clean up my memory card.
Sorry, I’m slightly cranky. Looking at some examples on Facebook of point number one don’t really help, either. Flickr helps alleviate some of that stress and annoyance.
